/ Thursday, March 7th, 2013

by Richard Bernato

FarkleThe Prosecution’s Opening Statement:

Your honor, Fred Farkle’s Swat Team approach to Walt Disney World has wreaked havoc on his loving family’s ability to enjoy the most magical place on earth. His compulsive necessity to plan every detail of every moment has turned what is supposed to be a wonderful vacation and an opportunity to savor loving family memories into an exercise tantamount to D-Day.

Your honor, the plaintiff will demonstrate how Mr. Farkle’s behavior and overwhelming swat-team approach to touring Walt Disney World is the exemplar of how NOT to enjoy Walt Disney World.

We will show how Mr. Farkle’s obsession with being on the right line at the right time has caused his son to express, right in the middle of a fifty minute wait for Buzz Lightyear, “I hate Mickey Mouse! I hate this place! I want to go home!”

Further we will show how poor Fabio has been traumatized by being locked down in a sweaty stroller for countless hours and forced to look at even more countless shall we say “derrieres” at that stroller height a jigglin’ and a sloshin’ at his eye level for even more countless hours.

The plaintiff shall show how Mr. Farkle’s insistence on lock step touring of the Disney parks has alienated his teenage daughter from her parents as she was forced to go on children’s rides like the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Playhouse Disney in front of other teen-aged peers whose parents wisely permitted to skip from riding.

And then, Your Honor we shall demonstrate how Mr. Farkle’s long-suffering wife, Fannie, has endured being the buffer between Fred’s fanaticism and the emotional, psychic, and physical well being of their family.

We will produce testimony from ….

Judge Julia (raps gavel). Thank you Mr. Plaintiff we get the gist. (Looks at Fred Farkle’s attorney) Sir, are you ready with your opening remarks?

The Defense’s Opening Statement:

Fred’s lawyer does not immediately rise to his feet on Judge Julia’s direction to deliver his opening remarks. He shrugs his shoulders, shakes his head, sends disapproving but also hurt glances at the plaintiffs. He turns to Fred whose head is buried in his hands. He pats Fred’s shoulder and gives him a reassuring glance as if to show that he feels very sorry for his client.

Judge Julia (having none of this): Mr. Mason, perhaps you have no remarks to offer me or this jury?

Mason: Oh no Your Honor, I do, I certainly do, most certainly do. And I beg some pixie dust for your patience. It’s just that these charges, these complaints, you know, they have really hurt my client, very much so.

Judge Julia: We are not about hurt in this court Mr. Mason. Deliver your remarks please, and quickly.

Mason: Your Honor is being absorbed in Mickey Mouse, in the most magical place on earth, a crime? We know that is is not. We submit that Fred’s ardent commitment to family and equally ardent admiration for all of what Walt Disney World can offer a family combined to drive this devoted husband and family man to make decisions and make special plans for them so that they all could wring every last drop out of their magical experience.

Teenage Daughter lets out an audible groan and rolls her eyes in teenaged disdain

Judge Julia (peers over her glasses again, to Daughter) : Young lady we will have none of that. The only person with permission to groan is yours truly.

Judge Julia ( to Defense Lawyer): Are you finished Mr. Mason?

Mason: Yes your honor and at this point we move to drop all charges in this case as it is clearly a frivolous and unnecessary waste of the court’s time.

Judge Julia: I will take that under advisement and report my decision tomorrow. (she pounds gavel, rises and exits the courtroom)

Whose opening statement was more convincing to you?


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Rich may be the only blogger who; had an ORIGINAL Davy Crockett coonskin cap (and wishes he still had it); watched Disney’s Wonderful World of Color in black and white; watched the Disneyland opening ceremonies on that same black and white; AND rode the original It’s a Small World in the 1964 World’s Fair in New York. In addition, he is a college professor, and a grandfather of six whom he is thoroughly dis-doctrinating as often as possible.

One Response to "Farkle v. Farkle: Opening Statements in the Case of an Over-planned Disney Vacation"

  1. Joe Lilly says:

    Oh man! I feel Fred’s pain, almost as though I were sitting at the defense table myself! We’re pulling for you, Freddie Boy!

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