The Joke Thread

[trickster]

Another great joke which is short and simple:

The Inlaws!!!!

[tiggerguy]

Three friends go out for a dink. Two walk 'into' the bar, the third uses the door!!!!

I can't help it, but what's a "dink"

[tiggerguy]

Q: Why don't the Irish have Ice Cubes?
A: They lost the recipe!!

Rich just earned 2 demerits from me

[flutter]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."


"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"


"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.


"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"


She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken

[flutter]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"


Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[MandaBella]

I got this from Kellie, who posted it elsewhere:

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
Like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
(My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow snorted when it laughed
would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


As income tax time approaches,
did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?

[flutter]

very good

[MandaBella]

WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S NOT TOO BRIGHT

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few cans short of a six-pack.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

One taco short of a combination plate.

All foam, no beer.

As smart as bait.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

A room temperature IQ.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

[MandaBella]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), male impotence.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly drive
to work in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk wit h a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up
onto the roof and becomes stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surroun ding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

5. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

8. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

11. Dopel er effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

[tiggerguy]

Rob: Do you think Robbie Kneival is as good as his dad was?


Roy: Na, he is the lesser of two knievals

[Conceited Ape]

Yeah, that's for sure. Forget any amount of school bus or the Grand Canyon--Robbie's greatest stunt was jumping an entire generation's awareness...........

[disney fanatic]

(Ok, I don't have a joke to contribute to this thread, but like always I am absolutely enjoying this!)
You guys are making me laugh so hard! Good work!

[Tinker Bell]

Maybe only the Canadians will get this, but I thought I was pretty good.

Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?" The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnns"

[SnwhtNdwrfs]

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three- his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear

[SnwhtNdwrfs]

Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his front door?

He wanted to win the No-bell prize.