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General Discussions Discuss The Joke Thread in the Community Center forums; Okay DWTers, here's a thread for you post your favorite jokes! Rules: 1. Keep it clean and PG rated! 2. Please refrain from offensive jokes. 3. We are trying to ...
  1. #1
    MandaBella's Avatar
    MandaBella is offline "She who must be loved."
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    The Joke Thread

    Okay DWTers, here's a thread for you post your favorite jokes!

    Rules:
    1. Keep it clean and PG rated!
    2. Please refrain from offensive jokes.
    3. We are trying to give people smiles, giggles, and laughter.
    4. Have fun!

    Yes, I realize we used to have a thread like this but it was dedicated to a person who is no longer here. So, I'm starting this anew!

    And to start us off, he's oldie but one I enjoy:

    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
    including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.


    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.


    Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
    Last edited by MandaBella; 02-16-2007 at 05:57 PM.
    Amanda
    always plotting, planning, and looking forward to our next adventure...


  2. #2
    seriouslydw's Avatar
    seriouslydw is offline I need a vacation!
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    that's a pretty good one
    "There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate's loot on Treasure Island."
    Walt Disney

  3. #3
    disneyveteran's Avatar
    disneyveteran is offline 24 trips to the World and counting
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    That's cracking me up!
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  4. #4
    MandaBella's Avatar
    MandaBella is offline "She who must be loved."
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    Okay, here's another:

    Please excuse the rough language in the following story..

    A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

    When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

    "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home...,PLEASE MAMA!"

    "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

    "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
    mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

    "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
    Amanda
    always plotting, planning, and looking forward to our next adventure...


  5. #5
    seriouslydw's Avatar
    seriouslydw is offline I need a vacation!
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    "There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate's loot on Treasure Island."
    Walt Disney

  6. #6
    flutter's Avatar
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    I heard a good joke today..remind me to tell you in July



  7. #7
    MandaBella's Avatar
    MandaBella is offline "She who must be loved."
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    Quote Originally Posted by flutter View Post
    I heard a good joke today..remind me to tell you in July
    I believe you know how to reach me outside the DWT forums oh Evil Mentor Tracy!

    Okay, here's yet another joke:

    Pregnancy Q & A

    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's gender?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
    A: So what's your question?

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
    A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
    A: When the kids are in college.
    Amanda
    always plotting, planning, and looking forward to our next adventure...


  8. #8
    disney fanatic's Avatar
    disney fanatic is offline I don't wanna hurt you, I wanna KISS YOU!
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    This was a great idea for a thread! I love these jokes!

    He won't win the MVP or be voted into the Hall of Fame........then again, some heroes don't play games.

    Ms.HwithaBSwithaCT


  9. #9
    kylewhit89's Avatar
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    did y'all hear about the blonde couple that was found frozen to death at the drive in?

    they went to see: Closed For The Season

    sorry if any of y'all are blonde!
    Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney



  10. #10
    kylewhit89's Avatar
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    Top 10 games for old people!!

    10. Sag! You're it!

    9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

    8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

    7. Kick the bucket.

    6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

    5. Doc, doc, goose.

    4. Simon says something incoherent.

    3. Musical recliners.

    2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

    AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS... 1. Hide and go pee!

    Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney



  11. #11
    kylewhit89's Avatar
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    and another blonde one!

    One day a blonde went up to a soda machine and put in her money, pushed a button and a soda came out. She put in more money and got another soda. Then a guy came up behind her and was wating for his turn to get a soda.The blonde was still putting in change and getting sodas. ''Are you done yet,'' the guy finally asked.Then the blonde replied, ''No, I'm winning.''
    Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney



  12. #12
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    OK.. this is my attempt PLEASE let me know if i cross the line I don't mean to offend.

    A soon to be married couple are sitting with their priest to discuss their future.

    The priest wants them to try an experiment that will test their love and faith.
    For 4 weeks they are not allowed any physical contact with each other.

    The couple agreed and return 4 weeks later very solem.
    The priest asks how did it go, and the soon to be husband answered
    "Well we both had a really hard time not being with each other the first week,
    the second week was not too bad, and the third week was actually pleasant, we were able to acomplish so much because our minds were not focused on being intimate."

    So the priest asks well what about the 4th week
    and the groom looks up and said," Well father thats were we ran into problems
    she bent over one afternoon and I had to take her."

    The priest looks at the two and says, "well Saint Peter is not going to like this"

    And the groom responds. "Yeah, they wernt to pleased at the Home Depot either"

    -- again if this is bad let me know and i will edit it ---
    Disney Fan Since Day 1


  13. #13
    GrmGrnningGhost's Avatar
    GrmGrnningGhost is offline Friends Call Me Snow Miser...
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    How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
    3, 1 to eat it and 2 to watch for cars.


    Why doesnt DLP have a fireworks show?
    Because after ever firework, the French would try to surrender.
    Josh

    The happy haunts have received your simpathetic vibrations, and are begining to materialize.They're assembling for a swinging wake,and they will be expecting me.I will see you all a little later






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    I'm too much!

  14. #14
    MandaBella's Avatar
    MandaBella is offline "She who must be loved."
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    I got this one from our very own Pat (disneydame2004):

    ----- I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOCTOR WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM!

    HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain..Good!


    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".
    Amanda
    always plotting, planning, and looking forward to our next adventure...


  15. #15
    disneydame2004's Avatar
    disneydame2004 is offline Celebrate Everyday!
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    Quote Originally Posted by MandaBella View Post
    I got this one from our very own Pat (disneydame2004)
    I didn't write it, just shared the email
    -Pat (Disneydame2004)
    Dream Team Auction Coordinator




    Help make a child smile! Dream Team Project Firstgiving Page

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