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General Discussions Discuss punny things in the Community Center forums; Gene Autry and Frankie Laine were hosting a Christmas party. As the guests arrived, Frankie would record their names in the register. The guest of honor, Sammy Cloze, was late, ...
  1. #136
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    Gene Autry and Frankie Laine were hosting a Christmas party. As the guests arrived, Frankie would record their names in the register.

    The guest of honor, Sammy Cloze, was late, and Gene was very worried. At last, Sammy's taxi drove up and as he stepped out, Gene was so relieved he shouted:

    "Here comes Sammy Cloze! Here comes Sammy Cloze! Write down Sammy Cloze, Laine!"
    Brian
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  2. #137
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    ooooohhh... it took me literally several long minutes to get it. ha!

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    A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

    A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

    When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
    Brian
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  4. #139
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    There was a Russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow.

    "My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife.

    "No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph.

    "No, no, no, this is snow," she said.

    "Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

    Rudolph went to the palace guard and said, "is it raining or snowing?"

    The guard was no dummy, so he said "What do YOU think it is doing, Rudolph?"

    Rudolph replied, "raining."

    The guard said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

    So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear."
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  5. #140
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    He was able to listen to his favorite radio show in the morning because he had an AM radio
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  6. #141
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    The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven�s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.

    After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
    Brian
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    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerguy
    He was able to listen to his favorite radio show in the morning because he had an AM radio
    mmm. Sound's like one I would make up - I only gave it a single quiet chuckle... BUT I'll have to remember the Beethoven's 9th one (you redeemed yourself! ). Keep up the excellent work!!

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    A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

    "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

    The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

    "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

    Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

    "That will be $330." the vet replied.

    "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!?

    "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
    Brian
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  9. #144
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    A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official.

    The official apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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    Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him.

    This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.
    Brian
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  11. #146
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    Did you hear about the vampire who used to torture his victims with music? His Bach was worse than his bite.
    Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right and Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, and Guide along the Straight and Narrow Path and Oldest Active DWT/WDW Radio Member

    DL: 1955* (1); WDW: 1977* (2), 1980* (2), 1985* (3), 1989* (3), 1996 (ASMu-3), 1999 (ASMo-3), 2000 (ASMu-2/PO-2), 2001 (ASMu-5), 2002 (ASMu-5), 2003 (ASMo-5), 2004* (8), 2004 (ASMo-8), 2005 (PC-10), 2006* (15), 2007* (20), 2008* (22), 2009* (26), 2010* (27), 2011* (32), 2012* (39), 2013* (36), 2013* (15), 2013* (9), 2013* (13), 2014* (40) Total Trips/Days = 26/353

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    Why was the car embarrassed? Because it had gas!
    Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right and Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, and Guide along the Straight and Narrow Path and Oldest Active DWT/WDW Radio Member

    DL: 1955* (1); WDW: 1977* (2), 1980* (2), 1985* (3), 1989* (3), 1996 (ASMu-3), 1999 (ASMo-3), 2000 (ASMu-2/PO-2), 2001 (ASMu-5), 2002 (ASMu-5), 2003 (ASMo-5), 2004* (8), 2004 (ASMo-8), 2005 (PC-10), 2006* (15), 2007* (20), 2008* (22), 2009* (26), 2010* (27), 2011* (32), 2012* (39), 2013* (36), 2013* (15), 2013* (9), 2013* (13), 2014* (40) Total Trips/Days = 26/353

    *Off Property

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    He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
    Lord High Keeper of the Knowledge of Right and Wrong, Counselor in Moments of Temptation, and Guide along the Straight and Narrow Path and Oldest Active DWT/WDW Radio Member

    DL: 1955* (1); WDW: 1977* (2), 1980* (2), 1985* (3), 1989* (3), 1996 (ASMu-3), 1999 (ASMo-3), 2000 (ASMu-2/PO-2), 2001 (ASMu-5), 2002 (ASMu-5), 2003 (ASMo-5), 2004* (8), 2004 (ASMo-8), 2005 (PC-10), 2006* (15), 2007* (20), 2008* (22), 2009* (26), 2010* (27), 2011* (32), 2012* (39), 2013* (36), 2013* (15), 2013* (9), 2013* (13), 2014* (40) Total Trips/Days = 26/353

    *Off Property

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    Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away.

    One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work.

    The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"
    Brian
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    Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

    "Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

    "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
    Brian
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