A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch"
What does an acorn say when it grows up? Geometry
An inebriated fellow comes into a tavern and begins telling a long, drawn out story about a lion he shot and brought home from safari. He goes on to describe how it is big, yellow, and with black stripes.
The bartender says, "It sounds like you have a tiger, by the tale."
A college freshman on a dare stole twenty-three bottles of beer one night.
But to his relief the District Attorney dropped the charges.
She said she could not make a case of it!
Becky, a gold miner's daughter, dearly loved Clem, but was too shy to tell him.
One day she learned that Clem was about to marry someone else, so she got her courage up and decided to find Clem, stop the wedding if necessary, and tell him how she felt. She had saddled her horse and was about to leave, when her father appeared and wanted to know why she was in such a hurry.
"Oh, father," cried Becky, "I hope I can find my darling Clem in time!"
A software engineer tests new programs by seeing if it's simple enough for his computer-challenged brother to use.
This is known as the "Brother-can-use paradigm".
Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis.
One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it.
Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment.
The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm.
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
John had a new dog, but he didn�t want to deal with puppies so he got her fixed.
However, some how the gal still got pregnant, and even had identical twins! The media loved it and soon she was a celebrity.
John wrote a book about her entitled, �Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity�.
The games at the Coliseum were scheduled to begin at three o'clock sharp, and Caesar decided to attend. He called Brutus, and instructed him to have the chariot standing by.
"What time do you want to leave?", inquired Brutus.
The Emperor, knowing that the ride from the palace to the Coliseum would take exactly an hour, and not wishing to be late, replied, "At two, Brute!"
The jockey saw the horse groom sprinkling something behind his horse's neck.
"What's that?" asked the jockey.
"It's yeast", answered the groom. "This will discourage birds from mistakenly building nests in your horse's beautiful mane."
"Will that really work?" asked the jockey.
"Of course!" replied the groom, "for yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."
This English landlady had a couple of struggling poets for tenants.
When the poor fellows got behind in their rent, and the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them.
She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested.
Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged.
The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!"
When a man graduated from bus driver's school, his first assignment was the Sesame Street route.
At his first stop, he picked up a cow. When she got on the bus, she said, "Hello. My name is Patty."
He replied, "Hello, Patty. Since you are the first one on, you get your choice of seats."
She waddled on back and sat down. At the next stop he picked up another cow. As she got on, she said, "Hi there. My name is Patty."
He answered, "That's unusual. The other passenger is also named Patty. Why don't you go back and sit on the other side of the aisle and talk to her. Maybe you have more in common than just your name."
She went on back and sat opposite the other Patty and struck up a conversation. At the next stop, a little boy got on and said, "Hi! My name's Leonard Keyes. I've got some special socks, See?"
The driver replied, "Those sure are special, Leonard. Have a seat and we'll get to your stop real soon. As he was driving to the next stop, he looked in his mirror and saw that Leonard had taken his socks off and draped them over the seat in front of him, and was picking his feet.
He called back, "Leonard! What are you doing?"
Leonard called back, "I've got bunions, and they're bothering me."
At the next corner, the driver stopped the bus, got off, went to a pay phone, and called the bus garage. "I quit!" he said.
The garage dispatcher asked why.
He replied, "It's my first day on the job, and already I have 2 all beef Pattys, special socks, Leonard Keyes, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Run!"
Now how am I going to remember all the details of that one for work tomorrow??!!