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General Discussions Discuss punny things in the Community Center forums; Old math professors never die, they just reduce their functions....
  1. #106
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    Old math professors never die, they just reduce their functions.

  2. #107
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    A young man had been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for several years.

    One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines.

    The bag boy was excited and asked the manager if he could work the juice machines.

    The manager turned him down.

    The bag boy said, "But I've been working here for five years. Why can't I run the juice machines?"

    The manager said, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."
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  3. #108
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    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.

    This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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  4. #109
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    Conceited Ape is offline 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
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    Two fisherman once stood on a pier by the cold North Sea, and with their boat dry-docked for repair, they were bored out of their minds. So hard up for something to do, one of them decided to start counting every board of the pier. Also eager for some activity, his companion decided to come along, in order to count all of the slits between the boards. So on they marched down the pier side by side; heads bowed, taking a tally.

    One, one. Two, two. Three, three. And on and on.

    After several minutes, the count was in the hundreds.

    478, 478. 479, 479. 480, 480. 481, 481. 482--

    "Four hundred and eighty-TWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO........!!!"

    The fisherman taking the count of the slits feel to the icy waters.



    So you see, when you're out of slits, you're out of pier.

  5. #110
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    A man walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, "Here, put your ear to my knee."

    The doctor puts his ear to the man's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?"

    The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the man's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?"

    Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the man's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

    The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."
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  6. #111
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    A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. The officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

    The sailor picked up the broom and started to sweep the chain.

    Just then, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss.

    The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result.

    He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could only sweep at the chain once or twice before the silly bird came back.

    When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

    "What on earth have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

    "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
    Brian
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  7. #112
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    SnwhtNdwrfs is offline Dancing with the dwarfs!
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    A successful business man goes into the doctor to ask about some abnormal symptoms. The doctor asks him, "What problems are you experiencing?"

    The business man tells the doctor, "I'm terrified of driving in dark places or with other people in the car."

    The doctor thinks for a minute then states, "That's easy to solve. You have car-pool-tunnel syndrome."


  8. #113
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    similar to post#2

    One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

    When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

    To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

    Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

    He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."
    Last edited by tiggerguy; 07-05-2006 at 09:02 PM.
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  9. #114
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    I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.

    My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

    Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

    I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.

    I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.

    Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.
    Brian
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  10. #115
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    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

    The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

    The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
    Brian
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  11. #116
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    Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

    The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

    The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

    "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
    Brian
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  12. #117
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    There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.

    In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."

    When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

    Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executionist flipped the switch ... but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.

    But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good ... conductor!"
    Brian
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  13. #118
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    A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.

    "Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat.

    "They didn't offer us a single bite!"

    "What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish."
    Brian
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  14. #119
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    Tara: I think our school is haunted.

    Mara: Why do you say that?

    Tara: Because the principal is always going on and on about the school spirit.
    Brian
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  15. #120
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    PinkTink918 is offline If I was goin' anywhere, I was run-ning!
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    Believe it or not, there are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than casinos.

    Consequently, many parishoners are giving chips in the offering plates instead of cash. The churches can't deal with sorting all of these chips, so they send them to a monestary just outside the city, where the chips are sorted by casino so they can be cashed in.

    Know who does the sorting?

    Chip monks.

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