Skip to content

Farkle v. Farkle: Mrs. Farkle is Cross Examined!

by Richard Bernato


PHILPOT: Dr. Farkle, oh come now… D Day? George Patton??!!??


FRANCIS: Your Honor counsel is arguing with the witness.

JUDGE JULIA: I’ll permit the question. Dr. Farkle obviously is an historian; it’s within her expertise to compare her husband to the most massive invasion in history and to one of the great iconoclasts of that war. She’s perfectly capable of defending her comparison.

PHILPOT: Thank you, your Honor. Dr. Farkle, are there any other comparisons you’d like to make so that we can deal with them all at once.

FANNY FARKLE: Oh, I suppose any military campaign would do. Any zealot would do as well. Rasputin comes to mind.

PHILPOT: Rasputin, the mad monk who captivated and some would say, controlled Czar Nicolas’ family?

FARKLE: You just said it.

PHILPOT: So your husband of 20 odd years is a crazy religious figure?

FANNY: Well, as I said, Fred is a loving husband and a good man. He certainly isn’t evil!

PHILPOT: Thank you for clarifying that mistaken notion I had inferred from your testimony! Is it fair to say that if anything, he loves you and his children so much that he merely wants to make the most of any Disney World trip so that everyone has the maximized magical time?

FANNY (hesitates): Well I am not a psychologist, but as you said, I do know Fred. And as I said I will let the Judge assess the facts.

PHILPOT: The facts?

FANNY: Well okay. So you’re standing on the line for Space Mountain. The line is so long that it is outside the building. The sign on the stanchion says something like “90 minutes from this point.” People are falling over from the heat. Children are begging for relief. But we plow on. Fred uses his iPhone to play Disney World trivia games with us and with folks who want nothing to do with the game to make the time pass. We persevere. The line inches forward and as we are perhaps 30 minutes from getting on the ride. Fred keeps looking at his Mickey Mouse watch. Then his iPhone beeps a calendar warning. He looks at me and the kids and says, “We have a reservation at the Crystal Palace for lunch. We have to leave the line.”

The children groan. I think that the people in the line are happy for at least two reasons that we are leaving: One is that there are four LESS people on the line. The other is that they are sick of Fred’s trivia game. And we leave the line!

PHILPOT (rattled, searching to refute): Well, had you eaten?

FANNY: Well, no, we hadn’t had breakfast so we could get to Early Magic Hours and it was about [1:00].

PHILPOT: Were you hungry? The children?

FANNY: Well yes, I was but …

PHILPOT: So your husband had wisely booked an ADR for Crystal Palace for a delicious buffet lunch. He certainly had not anticipated that the Space Mountain wait line would be so long, perhaps because of a ride malfunction no one could have planned for and felt that that the trade off was in everyone’s best interest.

FANNY: I suppose you’d have to ask Fred.

PHILPOT: Thank you. I will. No more questions your honor.

What would you have done if YOU were Fred Farkle?  Wait the additional 30 minutes for Space Mountain or head to Crystal Palace?

Rich may be the only blogger who; had an ORIGINAL Davy Crockett coonskin cap (and wishes he still had it); watched Disney’s Wonderful World of Color in black and white; watched the Disneyland opening ceremonies on that same black and white; AND rode the original It’s a Small World in the 1964 World’s Fair in New York. In addition, he is a college professor, and a grandfather of six whom he is thoroughly dis-doctrinating as often as possible.